Billboard Top 10 For My Birthday Week: Number 8 & 9

Rocko - Self Made

The entire album is badly made songs about money.

Best Tracks: I don't know. I didn't get through the album, to be honest. The tracks are all very boring.

Pros:
- He's very focused.
- I don't think I have any more pros.
- Wait... I do... it wasn't Shawty Lo or Soulja Boy bad.

Cons:
- Bad beats.
- Bad raps.
- He's very focused.

Overall Score: 55%


Flo Rida's album delivers just like Mail on Sunday... that is to say, not at all.

This album is loaded with all the staples of the industry today: a feature by Lil' Wayne, Trey Songz, and T-Pain!

Best Tracks: Honestly... you get one song, you get them all. Grab one of the tracks and know that's as mediocre as it gets.

Pros:
- Flo Rida doesn't have a bad signature flow.
- Most of the beats are passable.

Cons:
- Flo Rida only has one flow... which is his signature.
- The songs are shallow, even for party rap.

Overall Score: 50%

Something Everyone's Been Waiting For Me To Do

Who dropped an album today?

I'll give you a hint: I hate him.

That's right!!! Mr. Dr. Lil' Weezy F. Fireman Carter Make-It-Rain-On-Dem-Hos Wayne himself!

Here's what I thought of Tha Carter III



Before we begin, I did honestly try to go into listening to the album with an unbiased view of Weezy...

... and right off the bat the bias was kicked right back into place.

Sometimes, I'm not sure how Wayne's lyrics come off to other people as real lyrics. I continuously see reviews of his shit where people describe him as "surreal" and chalk it up to that. "Surrealism" isn't necessarily compatible with being completely and utterly fucking nonsensical. Wayne is not a surrealist. Don't get it twisted, he's not a verbal Dali. He's someone who tries to sound deep by starting Tha Carter III with something like "they couldn't stop me, even if they stopped me" to fool you into thinking there's some strange esoteric meaning behind it, when really, there's not. He just doesn't understand that not every ironic phrase is cool, and not every phrase that comes out of his mouth is on the level of some "what's the sound of one hand clapping?" shit.

Generally, the album is full of Wayne's unfocused, banal rambling that happens to sometimes, kind of rhyme; self-serving metaphors; and, as always, money. His albums continuously feel like mixtapes, because he prides himself on doing one take of a song that hasn't been written or rehearsed, and it shows. Everything he does is a freestyle, and that's admirable, but lacking in quality, especially when he frequently gets offbeat and meanders, sometimes stumbling on words in his final product.

Frequently on the album, Wayne comes off as lazy, which (if I can say one thing about the man) he isn't fucking lazy. Also, quite often, a song is ruined by one thing or another that, if considered for even a second, is a glaring issue (for instance "Got Money" has a chorus that seems to be a guidebook for getting robbed in the parking lot; or that "A Milli" has one of the most god-awful fucking annoying beats ever). Speaking of "Got Money"... the beat is conspicuously similar to "Cyclone" by Baby Bash and T-Pain.

And, before I go onto a part of this review you thought you'd never see, I'll say some shit about the song "Lollipop". I know that song has people on Wayne's dick like it's All Eyez on Me, It Takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back, and Cuban Linx all rolled into one and condensed into five minutes, but I have a surprise. It's fucking not. The concept is cliché and done to death. In fact, it's so done that ICP did it. It's so done that Lil' Kim did it. It's so done that 50 did it... TWICE! And to speak on Weezy's singing vocals for a second... they're terrible. His singing voice, to me, sounds like someone you can't take serious. It's the same reason that Dave Chappelle could never be a singer or rapper in his normal speaking voice. When Wayne sings, his nasally, stressed syllables grate against my head like a key against the side of my car. Not anyone's car; my car... personally violating ME. I honestly think that most people like the song because of the video. And I honestly think that the video is just as predictable and repetitive as the song itself is, but I also think that muthafuckas love the video because of the dice-themed lollipops. Those dice candies, I truly believe, are the reason that people like "Lollipop".

Surprisingly, and to prove I came into this trying to be as unbiased as possible, I'll say some good things about the album. It ended.

...

...

...

Just kidding, I actually have some good things to say about it.

Swizz Beatz comes in on production for "Dr. Carter" and stretches himself quite a bit with a completely different style than I'm used to from him. Also, strangely enough, the beat isn't the only high point on this song. Wayne sounds focused and halfway decent on this track too.

And honestly, without Robin "I wish I was Justin Timberlake" Thicke on "Tie My Hands," I'd probably keep the song somewhere hidden on my iPod.

The final track on the album, "DontGetIt" is actually pretty good... but the majority of it is him talking about mandatory sentencing laws, the cost of jail versus college for the state, sex offenders, and Al Sharpton. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if he just spoke on records, I'd be more inclined to like him. Essentially, the ramble poses some questions that have been tread on before, some less so than others, but ultimately it's nice to hear him speak semi-intelligently on an issue or two... especially when it's ten straight minutes.

Best Tracks: "Dr. Carter," "Phone Home," "Tie My Hands," "Shoot Me Down," "Playing With Fire," and "DontGetIt"

Pros:
- Quite a few songs have interesting, if not good, beats.
- Wayne seems to be more focused more frequently on this album, ranging his subject matter to beyond himself and his bankroll.
- Sometimes he uses his quirks that I detest for good. On "Playing With Fire" he has the lines "They say you're nobody 'til somebody kills you/Well, where I'm from you're nobody 'till you kill somebody" while lowering is voice to a more sinister tone, which made the line. Nice delivery, Mr. Wayne.

Cons:
- He has the audacity to compare himself to MLK and Hitler at various points in the album.
- Sometimes Wayne's tracks tend to degenerate into cacophonous noise with him talking over himself rapping over himself singing over a beat.
- Most tracks are, as I've said, done in one take vocally. Most of the time, it shows. Ed Wood did things in one take too, it doesn't make you good.

Overall Score: 60%

Billboard Top Ten For My Birthday Week: Number 7

Snoop Dogg
Ego Trippin


The boss has returned, still flyer than a bizzrd...

From the get-go, you can tell this is another on the mark album from the Doggfather himself. As always, he doesn't rely on the formulas of now to sell records, but incorporates everything that has become a hit as of late to his own West Coast G-Funk style. This is easily one of the most R&B heavy albums Snoop has released, (without crossing that border to rap & B). Most of his R&B styling this time is based around a retro feel, which, if you've heard or seen "Sexual Eruption" you'll know that.

As usual with someone of Snoop's stature, a lot of the album has to do with carefree partying, money and other things that don't seem nearly as sincere coming out of people that aren't at the level that those like Snoop and Jay-Z are at. But, another usual aspect of Snoop's albums is his overall honesty as well as slight introspection. On "Neva Have 2 Worry" Snoop takes us through a retrospective of his career, opening up with 1992 and calmly leading us by the hand to 2008. Through this particular track, his vocals are the center of the track and he utilizes the beat as nothing more than a backdrop for the story. On the very next track, "Sexual Eruption," the vocals melt into the retro-styled beat.

But, don't let the lead single fool you, not the entire album is retro sounding. Tracks like "Life of da Party" feature hyphy superstars Mistah F.A.B. and Too $hort and show that Snoop can roll with the times, seamlessly. Not only does Snoop roll into the realm of hyphy, a relatively new style, he collaborates with country-rap godfather, Everlast on "My Medicine".

The biggest problem with the album is the frequency of half-cocked tracks that just become filler to get to the hour mark.

Best Tracks:

Pros:
- Snoop's versatility is incredible on the album.
- The guests are all used amazingly, though there are a lot of them.
- Nice smattering of single tracks versus album tracks.

Cons:
- Tons of filler tracks.
- Some beats sound like throwaways, or at least unfinished.
- Too much of a good thing (the old school R&B feel).

Overall Score: 79%

Billboard Top Ten for my Birthday Week: Number 6

Lil' Scrappy
Prince of the South



The only other time I’ve heard Lil’ Scrappy’s name was when Lil’ Jon screamed it out before "Head Bussa" in 2003. So I’m really curious about how this album will turn out.

Don’t let the introduction fool you, Lil’ Scrappy doesn’t talk incoherently and with no direction throughout the entire album, we’ll save that for Lil’ Wayne on Tha Carter III. No, Lil’ Scrappy fumbles through a kind of mediocrity that will surely have him fading into obscurity soon, (if not already), and someone that could not only have club hits, but good, grimy, street shit if he put his mind to it.

About halfway through the album comes the overtly misogynistic “Fo Sho” which is a ballad to hating women. The piano and beat, by anyone else, would have been an attempt to disprove the particular rapper’s obvious misogyny throughout the remainder of their albums. Not Lil’ Scrappy! He is, at very least, consistent. He tells women to “give me head with no conversation” and calls her ability to swallow cum “determination”. I don't know exactly what noun I'd use to describe the ability to swallow cum, but "determination" shows up really late on the list around "perspicaciousness" and "telepathy".

Another little faux pas on the album is the horn blast every four beats on “You Trippin’” that are really reminiscent of the 1960’s Batman shows. A measure goes by and suddenly all I can see is comic-book bubbles with “ZAP!” “BOW!” “PUMMEL!” and “JAB!” If it weren’t for that association, the track may have been pretty good, beat-wise... or possibly quite boring. I can't honestly tell because I'm too busy picturing Adam West lament that some days "you just can't get rid of a bomb".



The showcase, as I stated before, wasn’t all bad. Scrappy’s flow was usually on-point and he switched styles well enough to have some legitimate potential on that front. The beats were passable, but honestly lacking in some areas. In those cases it should have been Scrappy’s job to fill that void. Usually, this objective was failed or passed only for a short time.

With all this talk of “potential,” you’d think that this was Lil’ Scrappy’s debut album. Unfortunately for him, me, and the score, it’s not. With all these glimmers of hope, I have to remember that he’s been around already for five years and it’s probably all downhill from here.

Best Tracks: “The A,” “The World Is Mine,” “All Hunid’s,” “Throwin’ Up Dat”

Pros:
- Decent beats.
- A few possible club tracks, (made possible solely by the beats).
- Scrappy has a good Southern flow.

Cons:
- Treads subject matter that has worn old in ways that have worn old.
- Sounds amateurish for his 5th year in the game.
- The album, as a whole, doesn’t stand through a listen.

Overall Score: 55%

Billboard Top Ten for my Birthday Week: Number 5

Shawty Lo
Units in the City


That awkward look on his face and tweaking of his jaw is your first hint...

I spent a few minutes wondering where I remember the name Shawty Lo from, so I looked him up on wikipedia, because I’m a busy, busy man. He was in D4L. They released “Laffy Taffy”. Interestingly enough, he was locked up during that, so he has made exactly… fuckall in his career.

This is one of those albums that you know is going to be bad, you’re here to read how bad.

Straight off the starting line I was bored by this. The beat for “100,000” is set up for a run of about a minute, not 3:41. I mean, I appreciate that he went against the shitty-rap-intro grain, but instead of giving me something in that, he gave me a really long shitty rap intro. As this is my first time listening to this album, I’m worried by the title. Most rappers talk about millions… am I to believe that he’s not even good enough to pretend millions of dollars?

Oh… this should be a fun journey.

The club banger, (I use that term lightly for this song), “Dey Know” is the second track on the album. Listening to it outside of the context of not-really-listening-to-it, the production sounds like second-rate production from a third-rate producer’s bastard child.

The remainder of the album is full of strange lines like “I’m yawning ‘cause I’m horny” and “Nigga say he from the west side/Goddamn, it must be two sides” (strangely enough, this is on a song talking about how he’s done everything and been everywhere). The fact that they were said in Shawty Lo’s constantly strained voice, (like a great-grandfather without glasses reading fine print out loud as a bedtime story), made annoyances out of lines that would have just been hilarious.

You’ve seen movies where they hammer bamboo chutes under a prisoner’s fingernails as torture, right? They don’t just, KA-BLAM, hammer it all the way in, do they? They tap it slowly, millimeter by millimeter, so it hurts more. That’s what it feels like when Shawty Lo stretches out his words at the end of each and EVERY FUCKING LINE ON THIS ALBUM! I don’t know if he’s learned how to emphasize yet.

Shawty Lo is probably, quite literally, retarded. I don’t mean retarded, stupid. I mean literally, short-bus, fucking retarded. I’m glad you asked why I say that. With songs like “Dunn Dunn” which has a chorus that repeats, in part: “Dunn, dunn, duh, duh, dunn, done it all,” you have to at least consider the possibility.

As far as the beats went, I found my mind wandering between two questions. The first question was “How many Ataris did they have to use to get that beat?” the second was “They got Terri Schiavo on production?!” (the only logical explanation I could find for the coma-inducing, changeless, mundane, pedestrian, boring, mind-numbing beats).

I honestly can't be totally negative about the album. Other than the music, it was pretty good.

Best Tracks: “100,000,” “Live My Life,” “Got Em 4 The Lo”

Pros:
- At least he kind of knows what a rhyme is... maybe. A for effort.
- The mixing is terrible. This wouldn’t usually be a good thing, but the beat usually is mixed well over Shawty Lo’s vocals.
- I usually have three things under “pro”… here’s one.

Cons:
- Stole Soulja Boy’s flow on “Let’s Get It”
- I think it might be worse than souljaboytellem.com.
- The album exists.

Overall Score: 5%

Billboard Top Ten for my Birthday Week: Number 4

Trina's Still Da Baddest


First of all, I’ve gotta say that I may rate this album low because she’s dated Lil’ Wayne. It’s a judgment call about personal integrity that I may just have to make. That being said…

The beats are a step or two above Beats By The Pound’s (from No Limit), but that doesn’t necessarily make them good. All of them are boring… all of them are boring. Let me say that one more time: B-O-R-I-N-G.

The singing rap & B shit is something I’ve never felt, and Trina has it in spades. So if you’re into corny sounding lines sung by someone who is marginal at best, this album is for YOU! :-D

She told Billboard.com that she “put 150% into this album” and that “I have a thousand different emotions and feelings [which… let me go to the judges… yes… “emotions” and “feelings” are what we call “synonyms”] and I show it all in this project” noting that “people can see Trina really grew up”.

Just like Trina said, the range of subject matter is incredible. The album goes from exploring how big her ass is to Trina’s drunken stupors to anger at Lil’ Wayne! The album also shows serious personal evolution and reflection and refinement, growing up from songs like “Da Baddest Bitch,” “Da Club,” and “Sexy Gurl” to “Still Da Baddest,” “I Got A Bottle,” and “Hot Commodity”.

You’d think with subject matter like this, she’d have some great beats, or at least passable, or at least ones that you could say “in the club, I’d like this”… but, let me reiterate, the beats are BORING. The best one, by far, is “I Got A Bottle” and that’s probably only because Missy Elliot is on the track and she would have bitch slapped anyone giving her a bad beat, then suffocated them in that puffy suit she wore in “The Rain”.

Honestly, I didn’t have to get too far into the album to realize why it was released on April 1st.

I think the constant irony is my favorite part of bad albums. In “Single Again” she seems quite angry that Wayne only “fell in love with my ass/King Magazine, you fell in love with my ad” but talks about her ass in at least half of her songs, the other half end up about her pussy, and sprinkled here and there are references to things like fucking “a nigga in the dump”.

Outside of the irony, she has some of the funniest lines off of any album ever. “Look Back at Me” has some of the funniest. A few lines that had me rewind were “Licky, licky, licky, licky, licky for an hour/I’ma make it rain for you, here’s a golden shower/Smell it like a flower, my pussy is a rose/Come a little closer, I wanna fuck your nose”. My best guess is that she’s trying to come off as a freak, like she was trying to do when she told the listener to smack her in the face with their cock earlier in the song, but in this particular portion of the song, she goes from hilariously gross to hilarious. I’m sure anyone that’s eaten pussy has, whether on purpose or accidentally, has had the girl fuck their nose, but it’s just something you don’t verbally say, particularly to me, who just pictures a guy with a bad head cold sneezing into a cunt.

On “Clear It Out” she just reminds me of when rappers who haven’t done shit rap about their money. She makes audacious claims like “if they talking, I’m the topic of the conversation” and “1,000 dollar shoes, European jewels, million dollar crib with a swimming pool”. Most of the song can be followed by “because of [insert Lil’ Wayne, Rick Ross, or Trick Daddy here]”. She attached herself to more famous names for a while and developed the theory that SHE is the famous one. Hmmm… really, Trina? Really?

One more track specific thing: “Phone Sexx” has two X’s because it’s not as graphic as “Look Back at Me,” and is quite dull in comparison (more rap & B nonsense). Frankly, it makes me really wish for “Ayo Technology”… or better yet “Digital Get Down” by N*Sync. Oh, and the line “sexin’ your body” has always made me laugh, and it shows up here in the hook.

Maybe she should beat up a her neighbor with a Blackberry and I’d give her a 73%.

Best Tracks: “Still Da Baddest,” “I Got A Bottle,” “Hot Commodity”

Pros:
- It ends.
- Any songs about disliking Lil’ Wayne, (for any reason), gets a “pro” from me.
- If you have two songs about disliking Lil’ Wayne, you get two “pro” marks. Get it?

Cons:
- Killer Mike drops the weakest verse I’ve seen from him… ever.
- Pitbull pulls a Killer Mike.
- I think I forgot to mention the beats are FUCKING BORING!

Overall Score: 45%

Billboard Top Ten for my Birthday Week: Number 3

The Roots' Rising Down


This is definitely a darker Roots album. It’s almost irrelevant to even talk about the beats in a Roots album, since you already know they’re different from every other beat out there by virtue that a lot of it is directed by ?uestlove and friends and not an 808, (I need to mention the beat to “I Can’t Help It” and say it’s basically the shit). The album, as always, has a unique fusion sound to it with Black Thought and friends coming intelligently. There’s not really much to say about this album but it deserves to be on the Billboard, and it got there.

Short-ass review. Grab the album.

Best Tracks: “Rising Down,” “Criminal,” “I Will Not Apologize,” “I Can’t Help It,” “Singing Man,” “Rising Up”

Pros:
- Everybody featured on the album was amazing. And, let me just say that I’m sick of Saigon on the mixtape circuit. I can’t wait for him to drop an album.
- The beats are incredible. I didn’t stop nodding my head, even during verses I wasn’t really feeling.
- It’s basically an hour of good beats, even if you think all the lyricists suck. There are a few gaps here and there, but those fall where there aren’t beats (like “@ 15”).


Cons:
- I have a personal qualm with not being the first emcee on your own album, but since that emcee was Mos Def, it’s less of a problem.
- Some of the flows or off, even when the lyrics are spot on.
- The song “Unwritten” was pretty weak.

Overall Score: 90%

Billboard Top Ten for my Birthday Week: Number 2

I've always had an interesting relationship in regards to Foxy Brown. Frankly, I love hardcore rap from females. Period. But, at the same time, not many of them hold my attention for long. Let me just sum it up... if Foxy Brown were a Jay-Z album, she would be The Blueprint 2, not terrible, not good, mostly forgettable. She's no Unfinished Business, but she's not even close to being as good as Reasonable Doubt.

Honestly, the only time I've ever really WANTED to listen to her is when I heard she went deaf. I wanted to see if I could hear a clear downward progression in her albums. That's pretty fucked up, isn't it? I'm sorry.

Anyway, her newest effort Brooklyn's Don Diva sounds like she had a radio in prison and pounded 50 into her head. I know the album was recorded before her prison sentence, but it's funnier if I pretend it was afterwards, okay? She talks about Big and Pac about as much as 50 does, the difference being that Foxy KNEW them, so it's okay if she talks about them. And talk she does.

In her seven year hiatus, she hasn't really developed lyrically. She continues to talk about her tits, her ass, and fucking with hints of gangster-ism scattered throughout. Those things aren't bad, especially considering the female perspective. I'm not saying it sounds like the other club rap of late, because it doesn't. The problem is that it feels like Foxy Brown from 1997, only 11 years older. It seems like her and Lil' Kim got caught up in being "fuck me feminists" and, whether accidentally or on purpose, they both turned it into a gimmick.

Recommended Tracks: "We're On Fire", "How We Get Down", "The Quan (Hip-Hop Mix)"

Pros:
- The beats aren't bad, with the notable exception of "When The Lights Go Out" which was one of the lamest beats I've heard in a minute (and I just listened to Mannie Fresh's beat on Rick Ross' album!).
- Foxy's flows are still on-point, considering she didn't record a lyric for quite some time and doesn't hit the mixtape circuit or freestyle at all.
- Considering her long bout with being completely stone-fucking-deaf, she didn't forget, or even slide back, in how to work syllables and sound.

Cons:
- Only three tracks are solo, the rest depend on a guest.
- May as well be Ill Na Na or The Firm, The Album lyrically.
- Some of the tracks sound dated because of her style, and the beats.

Overall Score: 73%

Billboard Top Ten for my Birthday Week: Number 1

I've been listening to hip-hop for 22 years now. That's a long fucking time. I was born the same year that Run-DMC's Raising Hell and Beastie Boys' Licensed to Ill dropped. My first albums were from my dad, they were Tone Loc's Loc-ed After Dark, MC Hammer's Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em, and Vanilla Ice's To The Extreme (forgive me for the latter two, I was only like three or four when my dad popped those in the tape deck for me).

All that being said... I'm going to review the Top Ten Rap Albums on Billboard over the next little bit, starting, of course, with number one. Rick Ross' Trilla.



Honestly, I was really excited about this album because I liked Port of Miami. As time wore on, I found myself frequently checking the time on each song, wondering when the song would end and show some of the potential, fun, and possibility I felt with Port. The fun never came. Don't get me wrong, he talked about himself having fun, he referenced things that are fun, HE seemed to be having fun... but, to be frank, I wasn't having fun.

The beats were lackadaisical and tedious, except for a few notable tracks ("We Shinin'", "This Me", and "Billionaire"). Other than that, it's hard to even describe the beats. They just sound generic, (except for Mannie Fresh's addition to the album "All I Have In This World", which just sounded like every other Mannie Fresh-produced song ever, in other words, hollow drums with the same drum fill in the same place).

Speaking of Mannie-fucking-Fresh: aside from Birdman, he is the most predictable money rapper. In other words, with a Birdman track, you know there will probably be Gucci mentioned, or gator shoes. Mannie has a little more versatility, but not much. Really, though, "All I Have In This World" sounds like Mannie Fresh ghostwrote the motherfucker. Avoid it if you don't like hearing about jeans... (which is actually mentioned in the second half of the official title, I just refuse to write it because it's FUCKING INANE!!!)

The album has all the makings of a formula hit: Scarface references every two songs, a million references to specific cars (Maybach and Benz), overly-epic beats with horns and shit, an appearance by T-Pain, at least one 2pac shout out, a track from DJ Khaled (where he makes himself sound stupid for about a minute), and an appearance by Lil Wayne (who compares himself to MLK... yes, THAT MLK... the one who was the Civil Rights leader and shot in '68). Apparently, that formula works.

Ross helps along some additions to the revised formula with help from the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League, who have been on damn near everything for the past few years. Fun fact: the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League is just as bad of a team as their namesake (just like they have a bunch of second-rate shitty superheroes and then fuckin' awesome Batman, the production group has a bunch of second-rate dollar-beats for every banger).

Recommended Tracks: "Trilla Intro".

Pros:
- Jay-Z is on the album
- Ignoring the lyrics, Rick Ross sounds good

Cons:
- More of the same
- More of the same
- More of the same
- Lil Wayne is on the album

Overall Score: 56%

Soulja Boy is the Antichrist

I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IT WOULD COME TO THIS!!! IT'S THE SAME FUCKING SONG!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Bitch-Fest

- JabbaWockeeZ won America's Best Dance Crew. That is the only good news I have right now.
- "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne is one of the top singles in America. Another single was released recently called "Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body)" by Three 6 Mafia. The song features a strikingly similar synth line with another motherfucker with a Roger Troutman voice-box that sounds strikingly similar to a second-rate T-Pain (who looks strikingly like a second-rate Lil Jon). Now, this could have been a coincidence in any other genre, but I doubt it in the current state of rap. There have been rumors of a remix of "Lollipop" with T-Pain in it, which is what the entire fucking song sounds like to begin with. And thus, the shit cycle comes full circle.
- I was going to do a recurrent thing called "This Week in 50 Cent Beef"... but I got too tired after the first one.