Best and Worst Singles of 2007

Ludacris proudly holding his "Hip-Hop Autopsy Award" from last year and his stupid Grammy... he says he likes my award better.

Now to the festivities!

These awards are in no particular order because I'm indecisive. Narrowing it down wasn't that tough, though, because 2007 was filled with weak bullshit, (as you'll soon see).

Pharoahe Monch - "When The Gun Draws"


This song, in my opinion, has it all. An amazing, jarring beat that matches the theme of the song well and an interesting, changing flow that lets the lyrics progress naturally, rather than the artist obviously changing words to fit some syllabic structure. A poignant social commentary, without being too preachy. Nice work, Pharoahe!

Brother Ali - "Truth Is"


A really chill beat over what could be described as a edict or manifesto, rather than just a song. It's a call to everybody to demand more from artists, from politicians, from friends and family, and especially from themselves. Another powerfully crafted song from a powerful artist.

Rihanna - "Umbrella"


Rihanna's "Umbrella" wasn't something I was expecting to like, honestly. It's not something that us backpack rap kids like much. But this one took me by surprise. It came with a nice beat to dance to, a catchy hook, and that goddamn infectious "ella-ella-ella, ey-ey-ey."

Aesop Rock - "None Shall Pass"


Not the strongest beat in the world, but the turntables put off a great instrumental vibe, especially the vocal "I'm trying to help" sample. Those are the very nice touches that make Aesop's newest album what it is: awesome. This title track is just another mind-blowing track with wild lyrics and an impeccable flow.

Kanye West - "Can't Tell Me Nothin"


Yeah... the video is done by Zach Galifianakis and Will Oldham. Yeah, Kanye wanted them to do it. It's the official alternate video to the song.



There's the other video.

It's always interesting to hear rappers actually admit flaws. This is like a more intelligent, updated version of the classic "Mo Money, Mo Problems." The smooth production coupled with the fact that this is a mainstream single that isn't a club hit makes this a unique endeavor indeed. It's an amazing song for almost any setting, the music of it is enough to keep you paying attention without paying attention, but if you are listening for words, even the first lines of the first verse will show you the kind of interesting ideas Kanye has for this song.

Chamillionaire - "Hip Hop Police"


"Go, go, go, go, go, go, go"

Yeah, that will remind you of 50's "In Da Club" if you're not paying attention. As good of a single as that was, this one is better. Chamillionaire, the man who dropped "Ridin'," comes back with another intelligent single, but worded to keep his mainstream credibility and swagger with the likes of Snoop and The Game. And let's not forget the always amazing storytelling ability of Slick Rick, who appears on this track, (Chamillionaire had it right, if you're gonna tell a story, get the man who told "Children's Story").

Army of the Pharaohs - "Tear it Down"


From the first beat, you can tell this is underground. It's got the feel of a freestyle beat with three crazy emcees just spitting off the top. It reminds me of the best talent at Scribble Jam, just three dudes talking shit in a freestyle. Really creative, really free-flowing, and really authentic. It's more grimy and gutter than most rappers even claim to be, and the production quality reflects that beautifully.

Brother Ali - "Uncle Sam Goddamn"


Another Brother Ali track. I'm not against having two songs by the same artist, especially if they deserve it, (though I tried to keep it off of the 10 Worst list, because I like talking a lot of shit about different people).

This one is a lot more laid back sounding, from the jazzy, country-blues feel of the beat to Ali's vocals, which have that smooth sound like he's covering an amazingly intelligent Snoop song. The message hits just as hard as any Public Enemy song, though.

Chamillionaire - "Won't Let You Down (Texas Takeover Remix)"


This is one of the bigger songs, personnel-wise, featuring K-Ci, Slim Thug, Lil Keke, Mike Jones, Trae, Paul Wall, Bun B, Z-Ro, and the late Pimp C. It's got that clear down south anthem style and a covers a wide range of verbal styles and crazy amount of geography. Honestly, to me, Trae and Z-Ro really take this track with their completely different, but very similar flow styles. The whole of UGK is featured on this track showcasing why they are where they are as far as garnering respect in the rap world.

Apparently they're making an extended mix for download from Chamillionaire's official site which features EVEN MORE artists and is over fifteen minutes long! The roster for this massive mammoth of a song is: K-Ci, Slim Thug, Lil Keke, Mike Jones, trae, Paul Wall, Bun B, Z-Ro, Pimp C, Lil Flip, Rob G, Famous, Jayton, Slim Thug, Lil' O, Yung Redd, Big Pokey, ESG, Troublesum, PKT, Willie D, Corey Mo, GT, Chingo Bling, Magno, Yung Ro, Kiotti, Raw LT, Boss, Grit Boys, Big Mike, and Scarface. Can't fuckin wait, (especially if Scarface is showing up on the track)!

Kanye West - "Stronger"


This is it...

Kanye...

"Stronger."

You know it, you love it. It's infectious and dancy with a beat by Daft Punk, (but the bass is pumped up by Timbaland). There's not much to say about this song that hasn't already been said. It's amazing conceptually, lyrically, and aurally as a whole. It's innovative (though not as much as people are sucking Kanye's dick for, the electronica/rap thing has been done, he just did it in a Kanye way) and fun.

***

Now it's time for the Worst Singles of 2007! These will surly be pumped from radio stations ad nausem for the next year or two, because most people listen to shit, and most rap stations play shit all the time, (with a few exceptions). This was an extremely hard list to make because 2007 sucked... really badly. It wasn't hard to find songs, it was hard to narrow it down.

Lil Wayne accepting his "Lil Wayne Award"... he seems very happy with it, ironically. Maybe he doesn't quite grasp what it means.

Cassidy "My Drink N' My 2 Step"


Goddamnit I wish he would have died in that crash.

Another terrible single from the man that brought you "I'm a Hustla" which shows you that he can do better, but not much. The beat feels like a Kanye West throwaway, (that Swizz Beatz added terrible guitars over) and the flow feels so formulaic, especially when he repeats things over and over in the second verse. And the addition of Swizz's vocals only enhance how bad the song actually is, (memo to Mr. Beatz: stick to production... actually, you're kind of getting bad at that too). Yes, I know that you have your drink and your two step, your drink and your two step, your drink and your two step... too bad you drank too much and the key to a decent song was three steps away.

I wonder how many of these songs in the "worst" list have a chorus that simply repeats the title at least four times...?

Huey - "Pop Lock and Drop It"


Ooh! Another song that has a title about a type of dance! Here's another thing to keep track of... so far, we're at two.

The song is a predictable, boring, trite, pedestrian, club hit. Yeah, motherfuckers can dance to it. Keep it an instrumental then, people don't need you to tell them the steps to the song, this ain't the fuckin "Hokey Pokey."

I've said it once and I'll say it again, if you're a rapper with a club hit, you're nothing. You should just cut your entire check to the producer, because you mean exactly... dick.

And, oddly enough, for a song that talks about sex so much, and fucking girls that dance... there seems to be a few children in the video (yes, I just implied that Huey is a child molester). See also: my article on Child Exploitation.

Mims - "Like This"


Of course the video starts out with the "remember, I did this song" that seems to be commonplace for one hit wonders as a way to acknowledge how artistically lacking they actually are.

Isn't the first line pretty much a stolen Fergie line? "All my girls get down on the floor" versus "Good girls get down on the floor". Can he make a single without appropriating something? If you don't remember "This Is Why I'm Hot" has beats from "Jesus Walks," "Nothin' But A G Thang" and an E-40 song. Huey already talked about girls being upside-down, (actually, it's in "Pop Lock and Drop It," and since that single dropped before Mims' album did, I would suggest that Mims stole that too). Shit, even the "I" on the cover of Mims' album is being disputed (to the point where EMI is being sued by Universal) because the "I" looks like another rapper's "I."

There's a fine line between a respectful allusion, or flattery by imitation and plain theft... Mims knows this the way Carlos Mencia knows this.

As far as the declaration that he has the "top-10 number one ringtone"... well, number one is in the top-10 (he may be confused about how the numerical system works). Also, having the number one ringtone isn't necessarily something to be proud of. Larry the Cable Guy had a featured ringtone on V-Cast a few weeks ago that featured a rendition of "Jingle Bells" done in farts. And if a lot of people want only 28 seconds of your song, chances are, that might be how long they can stand you.

Talking about the success of another one of your songs in a song is probably a bad thing, Mims.

Also, this is number three for songs in the worst of the year that just have the title repeated over and over in the chorus.

Pretty Ricky - "Love Like Honey"


Pretty Ricky sucks, and no one in it is pretty. That's their first problem. Their second? No one is named Ricky.

Anyway, the title should warn the listener that it is going to be a cliche filled fun-fest. Think about an R&B version of 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" or "Amusement Park" (and if you didn't know that those were the same song, just by the titles alone... you should probably stop reading... actually you probably already stopped because you liked all the songs on the "worst" list... actually, you probably don't read anyway).

"Spectacular's" verse (I put his name in quotes because I almost feel like saying his name sarcastically) sounds like he's singing either from immense pain, or trying to sound hardcore (like any number of studio gangstas in the industry), or like he's taking a massive shit after being on a steady diet of melted cheese and no fiber. Yes, that's my first scatological jab at someone, but listen to the song, you'll agree.

"Pleasure's" singing of "I wanna do ya, do ya, do ya" is clearly ghostwritten by a twelve year old boy. He then croons "I wanna take it to the east, take it to the west, don't wanna go up north, 'cause down south is the best." This, clearly, means that he'd rather "take it" to your arms, rather than your face. "Tip Drill" anyone? Maybe, combined with the food references, the girl they're talking about is a "Butter face."

And what the fuck does "your love's like ice cream/sweet as a rose" mean? "Sweet as a rose"? Really? Someone wrote this on a piece of paper and no one went, "wait, this makes no sense." Or am I to believe that there's some rap fad that I haven't paid attention to where motherfuckers are eating foliage? Or is there some Ben and Jerry's flavor "Ridiculous Red Raspberry Roses" that I was unaware of? I'm not big on dessert foods, so this is the most plausible explanation.

Anyway, Pretty Ricky sucks. Next!

Rich Boy - "Throw Some D's"


The intro to the video has very little to do with the song.

Also, why would MTV blur out the "Cadillac" symbol, but let Rich Boy say it? That's really curious.

I think Rich Boy's looks like a cartoon version of an army Sargent, and oddly plastic, formed into a perfect square. His forehead extends past his eyebrows into his eyes for Christ sake! He's HIDEOUS! I did hear someone say that he looks like Robocop. I'm inclined to agree.

Aside from that, the beat to this song would be pretty good if Kanye or Jay-Z used it (specifically if Jay-Z used it on the "American Gangster" album), but they didn't, so we're left with a decent beat with lyrics that in no way carry the same feel. Either way, some of Rich Boy's shit makes very little sense, most of the time. "Got the damn top dropped two colored flip flopped/Candy red lollipop." Let's count how many colors there are to be "flip-flopped". Yes, that's one. Not "two colored, flip-flopped." Apparently, like Mims, Rich Boy wasn't paying attention in math class.

The song turns oddly wholesome when he starts talking about Peter Pan and peanut-butter ice cream. Again, keeping up that nonsensical style, but joining Pretty Ricky in some banter about dessert foods.

He does point out one thing in this song that is the scourge of music today, particularly rap: "I can't explain how I feel." If there's anything you can't artistically explain, stop doing music, and ESPECIALLY don't mention it in your song.

He mumbles too much and has an apparent allergy to vowels, pronunciation, and words with more than one syllable. The only person who beats him at this is Soulja Boy (who appears, not coincidentally, later on this list).

Shop Boyz - "Party Like A Rockstar"


If you wanna "Party Like A Rockstar," you should probably make a song that sounds like you're a rock star. Another case of the beat not matching the feel of the song. Frankly, the song is just lame... lame, lame, lame. There's no feel of authenticity, just an attempt to stretch the boundary of the genre into an area that was discovered back in the 80's. It's like as if Tony Blair set sail on the vast blue ocean to discover the uncharted New World of America.

Wicked discovery, Shop Boyz.

Soulja Boy - "Crank Dat"


Yet another "Hokey Pokey" style song. At the beginning of the song, he may as well be saying "I gah 'nutha formula fo' y'all call da Soulja Boy. Ya gotta think a title den repeat dat eight times."

This IS one track where the beat matches the song though: simple, primitive, and uninspired.

Of course, what would a rap formula be without "jockin on some haters," talking about money, fighting in the club, the occasional name brand plug and shameless self-promotion? He follows this shit to the book.

[I should make a note to repeat here that "hater" is probably the most ignorant, useless, piece-of-shit word in rap. It basically is a catch-all term that means "anyone that criticizes, disagrees, or dislikes someone or something" whether that critique, disagreement, or disdain is valid or not. Reminds me too much of Bush's "you're either with us or with the terrorists."]

The song makes sense insomuch as it makes sense within the vacuum of two lines of a rhyming couplet at a time, but those don't necessarily fit in the context of the rest of the song. It's like he had scraps of songs strewn about, and was just like "fuckit... I'll put them all together" and then loosely fitted them together between chantings of "I MEAN YOOOUUUUU! (Crank dat Soulja Boy!)"

Oh, let's not forget the formula of so many lines per verse, and the song structure of verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus. Inspired.

We only need one dance song per year. We got seventy this year. It gets fucking old. Let people dance how they want to instead of goose-stepping while you bark orders, okay?

And like I said before, he has an aversion to enunciation. I've heard the boy speak during interviews and promo things (one with 50 Cent where he was getting his hair cut) and he doesn't speak that badly. He's got an accent, but the mumbling, slurring, monosyllabic nonsense is just an act. He tries to sound stupid. And anyone that does that doesn't deserve money or influence because they just do stupid things with it.

Yung Joc - "Coffee Shop"


Anyone whose name could easily be mispronounced as "Young Joke" should probably change it.

The beat is stupid. It's childish and banal, so is the chorus. He's basically saying that theft rings are like coffee shops. A story about that wouldn't necessarily be bad, but, frankly, rap's mostly lost the storytelling talent. It's just a vague representation of what he does repeated with every line. It's like saying, "I walk, I saunter, I strut, I gait, I jaunt, I tread, I march, I parade, I pace, I step, I stride, I stroll, I tread". That's basically the entire song: "I steal shit, then people buy it from me" repeated over and over in different words. Slick Rick would roll over in his grave if he were dead.

T-Pain - "Buy You A Drank"


Yung Joke made the list twice with this song!!! Congrats! Now kill yourself.

I'm not sure if T-Pain ever leaves the club. He must eat, sleep, and shit there. Look at the evidence: "I'm N Luv Wit A Stripper" and "Bartender" are two of his other bigger hits. Maybe his albums are a concept album about being in the club. This is just the second portion of it, in which he's made his way from the pole down to the bartender, and now he's offering to buy a young woman a drink! It's a hip-hopera! Actually, they're all probably just shitty songs, completely independent of one another.

Within the first few seconds, he proves, once again, that he is simply a second rate Lil Jon. Lil Jon grows dreads and does production. T-Pain grows dreads and does production (only Lil Jon's is good, while T-Pain's is mediocre). Lil Jon makes a bad decision and starts to try and put his vocals on tracks. T-Pain makes the same bad decision. Lil Jon screams "Snap yo fingaz, do yo step, you can do it all by yo-self" where T-Pain croons it and sounds like an ass while he does it.

This song proves two other things:
1) Almost any song that mentions the beverage Patron should be avoided at all costs.
2) The only person that should use a talkbox that much is Roger Troutman, and he's dead. T-Pain just abuses it to cover up his lack of talent.

And that's that for this year!

Child Exploitation Hip-Hop Style

Now, what the fuck is up with little children appearing in rap videos with huge chains and acting all gangster? Just putting that thought out there.

Hurricane Chris "Ay Bay Bay" (a song that, I must admit, is a guilty pleasure):


50 Cent "I Get Money" (which says "This is hip-hop" on the LEDs on the screen... there's so much I could say about that):


Jibbs "Chain Hang Low" (Do yo' chain hang low, do it wobble to the floo'/Is your stupid little song/Taken from a minsterel show?// Jibbs even later admitted he didn't know the origins of the song... for fuck sake, at least pretend you have an intellect and say that you were being ironic!):


DJ Webstar "Chicken Noodle Soup" (Even though Jibbs unknowingly put the tune to a blackface song in his shit, THIS is easily one of the most ignorant songs in hip-hop today):


All I'm sayin is that children are becoming the new "big booty bitches" of hip-hop.

Soulja Boy - "Soulja Boy Tell 'Em" Review

Soulja Boy: One Pair of Sunglasses, Just As Many Rap Formulas.

The album starts out with a bad Pinky and the Brain reference, and progressively gets more immature from there. Within ten seconds of the album, there's some rhythm problems, and thus is the quality of the production throughout the album.

To be quite honest, on my first listen, I only got through the intro, (aptly named "Intro" to really show how innovative Soulja Boy is), "Crank Dat" (which has all the inspirational power of "The Chicken Dance," "The Electric Slide," or "Macarena"), and part of "Sidekick" (which is as timeless as Air Force Ones, take your pick if you want that to be a shoe or song reference... speaking of which "Bapes" is on the album too). After those three songs, I threw my headphones out of my ear and screamed.

I'm... not... joking.

Anyway, I decided to do my job after that small breakdown.

Not including the intro, it took me one and one-half songs to figure out the patented Soulja Boy formula. An intro which features Soulja Boy blabbing on about nothing eight or sixteen lines for a verse, eight lines for a chorus (which generally consists of the title being repeated over and over), another verse, chorus, either a verse or a bridge (which generally consists of rehashing lines from the song, or saying the title in a different way), then we have some kind of outro where he jabbers on.

By the time I got to "Bapes" I thought the chorus was just going to be Soulja Boy saying "Bapes, Bapes, Bapes, Bapes, Bapes, Bapes, Bapes, Bapes!" This wasn't far from the truth (it was actually "I got me some Bapes today" SIXTEEN TIMES!).

For those of you that don't know, I present... Bapes:

Bapes: The New Crocs, Only Less Comfortable.

By this point, I got a headache, and decided to take a nap.

Throughout the album, I wondered how most of the songs could be translated to a live setting. With the exception of "Let Me Get Em" and "Crank Dat", they can't. The lyrics never have the commanding spirit of even 50 Cent's first album. The beats rarely get past a poor MIDI impression of a real beat, particularly on "Donk" which could have been made entirely on any MIDI sequencer. This isn't to say that a local emcee with a drum machine can't do a great show, (I've seen a duo named Elephant Switchblade have a great show bringing a drum machine on stage with them and putting it up to a mic). There's very little way, though, that the lyrics can be said in any possibly exciting way.

But I digress. The album sucks. Don't buy it.

If you're tempted, remember that he is a man that thinks that this is taste:

Do you really support this?

He also put this in a song:
A clip from "Soulja Girl" (as if you didn't see that title coming).

Free Agent: Trent Reznor

I know this isn't REALLY rap news, but considering who Trent's worked with, (Puffy, Zach de la Rocha, El-P, Saul Williams, and NERD, among others), it seems to be pretty prevalent to everyone, everywhere, in music.

Trent Reznor, on NIN.com stated that, "I've waited a LONG time to be able to be able to make the following announcement: as of right now Nine Inch Nails is a totally free agent... it gives me great pleasure to be able to finally have a direct relationship with the audience as I see fit."

For those of you that pay attention to the world outside of rap, Radiohead has recently dropped their label and released a self-distributed album. Radiohead also lets fans name their own price for the album on their website.

Maybe if rap did the same thing, we'd get variation on the radio. :-)

So, here's my commentary portion: all the rich rappers who think they're so talented need to put their money where their mouth is and drop their labels, self-distribute, and lets see talent face off against the bullshit. Dig?

Lil Wayne ARRESTED!

*waits as the eruption of cheers subsides*

Actually, that wasn't the sound at all outside of the jail where Lil' Wayne was held. People protested as bad as they did for Michael Jackson.



He got the Paris Hilton treatment and was out later that day.



The charges were regarding a missed court date in 2006 where Wayne was found with marijuana and 100 Xanex and hydrocodone pills.



His lawyer shone light into why Wayne was so "bankable" in his comments about the case, "He's never missed a court date or any professional obligation. That's why Wayne is so bankable."

So that's why? Well, I guess that gets part of it down. Now we have to figure out the talent area, because no matter how much the guy shows up, you're not gonna keep around a janitor that shits on the floor.

Walkin' Out, Steppin' Up, and Other Such Phrases

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthin' to fuck with, and they showed it by securing a deal for a sample of the Beatles' "As My Guitar Gently Weeps". The song it is featured on (as well as a possible performance by Erykah Badu?) will be on their upcoming album 8 Diagrams. For those of you who don't know the magnitude of this, this is the FIRST EVER legal Beatles sample, (no, Dangermouse's "Gray Album" wasn't legal... good, yes; legal, no). The album is set to drop in early December.




Del Tha Funkee Homosapien has signed to Def Jux records, (El-P's label that also features Aesop Rock who has a new album. Pick that shit up). He's also delayed his much-anticipated solo album, entitled 11th Hour for a 2008 release date.




Upon the second week of their "feud". Kanye and 50's record sales PLUMMETED. Kanye's Graduation sold 226,000 copies in the second week, (compared to the 957,000 sold the first week). Curtis sold a mediocre 691,000 that first week and dropped to a meager 143,000 copies in the second week. Quick trivia: The Massacre sold 1,100,000 in the first week. Late Registration sold 860,000 in its first week. Looks like Kanye's on the rise and 50 is rap's little Icarus.




Dr. Dre's Detox is delayed AGAIN! Wow... surprise, surprise. As for Eminem, they're three songs away from delivering the "retired" rapper's newest effort. Boy, another rapper that goes into retirement only to come out. Unpredictable... or something.

Good Morning

I up and lost my damn password... and forgot what e-mail address I used for this.

Well, I figured it all out and now I'm back.

OH! If Y'all Didn't See It...

Vitamin Water, ladies and gentlemen... Vitamin Water.



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News Drenched in Nouget and Caramel

Busta Rhymes has decided to fight four trials at once, two for assaults, and two for vehicular offenses, (drunk driving and driving with a suspended license). He recently rejected a plea deal that would have landed him only a year in prison for all four charges.

Well... say "hi" to Mystikal for me.

---

Master P is making another movie: "Black Supaman". It's about a guy from the ghetto (really, Master P making a movie about the ghetto?...), who smokes weed (...and weed too?!), and wears red tights. Almost as creative a concept as me doing this:

All this is coming after he talked about uplifting people and being part of solution in response to 50 Cent's jab on BET, (which I posted earlier, actually). If by uplifting you mean:

...then I suppose you got it, P.

---

Multi-platinum group Outkast have given some hints as to what their collective future holds.

Andre 3000 has gone on record saying that there WILL be a new Outkast record, (collective sigh of relief)... but it may have to wait at least two years (disappointed gasp)... but Big Boi and Andre are doing solo albums (collective sigh of relief)... but there's no word on when (disappointed gasp).

Between his seemingly endless amount of guest spots on other songs, (with Lloyd, Devin the Dude, Rich Boy, UGK, Q-Tip and Unk) Andre had this to say to MTV.com about his solo album: "Really, I gotta find out what I'm tryin' to say," he said. "It's almost like a picnic — you call your auntie and say, 'You bringin' some greens? Yeah? OK, I'm not gonna bring any greens.' I gotta find out what I gotta cook up. But to quote James Brown, 'Whatever it is, it's got to be funky.'"

Big Boi hasn't been keeping out of the spotlight either, with appearances with Diddy, Sleepy Brown, Bubba Sparxxx, Rich Boy, Gorilla Zoe, Lloyd and Fantasia, as well as making an album with DJ Ideal (Da Bottom, Vol. 7) as well as roles in the movies A.T.L. and Who's Your Caddy?. Apparently, in addition to that, he's working on an unnamed piece with Purp that will be performed, (this'll blow your mind...), ON STAGE in April '08.

His new album promises to be "something from every genre". He currently has around 35 beats laid down for it, and is writing/mixing vocals as we speak. It slated for late 2007, that is, unless "they keep pulling me back and forth with these movies".

---

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know T.I.'s new album dropped, T.I. Vs. T.I.P.. Despite claims that he'd have the "album of the year" it's only moved around 750,000 units.

---
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I Knew I Hated Lil Wayne... But This Is A Lot!

Disclaimer: This entire article is about how much Lil Wayne actually sucks. Nearly everything below is evidence about how bad he is. If you don't have time to read it, (it is a lot), just scroll down and see how much I have against him and think about it next time you hear his out-of-tune guitar on "Leather So Soft".

This is Lil Wayne, for those of you who don't know.

I have to admit, I liked Lil Wayne… when I was twelve… on "Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile.

I had to be twelve and listen a verse that consisted of less lines than a Ramone's song to even like Lil Wayne a little bit.

Then I grew up.

Somehow, Lil Wayne still goes triple platinum (with Carter II) even though all the tracks have the same substance and depth as The Block Is Hot. Herein lies the problem: people listen to hip-hop, but no one remembers hip-hop.

No one in the rock world could get away with singing "Well I stand up next to a mountain/And I chopped it down with the edge of my hand" which is from Jimi Hendrix's song "Voodoo Chile (Slight Return)" which was from 1968. But, by the same token, City High stole the beat to "The Next Episode" by Dr. Dre, (which was released in 2000) and used it on "What Would You Do" (released in 2001). No one seemed to notice.

But I digress… and return to my point that Lil Wayne is one of the worst rappers of all time!

For those of you that don't know, Lil Wayne
(a.k.a. Weezy a.k.a. Young Money a.k.a. Birdman Jr. a.k.a. Raw Tunes a.k.a. Fireman) is the self-proclaimed "greatest rapper of all time".

Truth is, he's probably delusional and delirious because he's surrounded by either people that treat him like he's second in the Special Olympics...

"It's okay, Wayne. The Birdman's here, with my pimped out Gucci suit. I still think you're the greatest rapper ever."

...or people dumber than him....

...I wouldn't doubt either.

Now, I know a lot of people LOOOOOOOOOVE Lil Wayne for reasons that escape me, (again, he did go triple platinum), so I'll present to you, the tale of the tape. I made it easily digestible for all you illiterate, Lil-Wayne-listenin' motherfuckers.

I thought to myself, what's important for a rapper to have? Well, let me be more specific, what's important for a dirty south, gangsta rapper to have? I broke it down into four categories.

First, he's gotta have street credibility. Arrest records, shootings, gang affiliations, we want it all. Street credibility shows that a rapper not only "talks the talk" but "walks the walk" as well.

Second, he's gotta have lyrics. To claim the throne of "the greatest rapper of all time" he needs to have varied subject matter, (whether relating to the gritty streets of New Orleans or not is Wayne's choice), a good sound with his words, and plenty of words at that, (so we don't get bored with him saying "turn me up in my headphones" or "I can't hear my snare" over and over).

Third, flow. Plain and simple. He's gotta be able to make it seamless when he wants to, and jarring when he wants to, but hold the same presence the entire time. A lot of this can stem from the words he chooses, but some of it is just emphasis and style. This and the next point are the hardest to factually dispute, as much of it is opinion, but we all know certain things about flow, like the fact that Snoop can make anything flow. Imagine him saying "don't eat that carrot, it has lateral root dieback disease"... see? Still flows nicely.

For our final point, we're going to look at beats. I know that Lil Wayne has very little to do with the creation of the beats, but he still has to choose these beats. As little as it has to do with actual rapping skill, a rapper still has to know what beat is right for what song. Imagine "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See" by Busta Rhymes put with Chubby Checker's "The Twist"... horrifying.

Street Credibility

- He shot himself. I know, I know... on "Know What I'm Doin'" he said the words "'Till the day I got shot they found money in my pocket". But the fact is that he accidentally shot himself in the chest when he was twelve. Then he got a tattoo to commemorate it, (look for the "Bang Bang" on his chest). If, by the time you're twelve, you don't know that the barrel of a gun faces out chances are you're not a gangster, and never will be.

- "Snitch" The gun he shot himself with was an unregistered handgun which belonged to his step-father. Because of Lil Wayne's mouth, his step-father landed in jail for 6 months. This clearly contradicts what he said on the song "Snitch" from Tha Carter, ("ain't no snitches ridin' with us").

- Kissing men. As little of a problem as I have with homosexuality, I'm going to be blunt, the rap world is very homophobic... especially the gangsta rap world. And the shit with Lil Wayne and Birdman sharing an awkwardly romantic-looking kiss doesn't fly to well for his gangsta image.

I think the funniest part of this picture is the disgusted-looking fellow in the background.

Lyrics

- One thing that is necessary to keep an audience entertained is varied subject matter. Now, whether you rap under a blanket subject, (like politics, life on the streets, etc.), there are still a multitude of things that can be said underneath each category. Since Lil Wayne's biggest topic seems to be life on the streets, it seems to be necessary to dissect what he talks about regarding the streets.

I decided to do an experiment, and since every one needs a control I decided I would compare his lyrics to another rapper's. I was going to use Sage Francis, (my personal favorite rapper)...

"My pedestal was too tall to climb off/In fact, that's the reason for the high horse"

...but I figured that would be cruel to Sage and Wayne. So, I present to you: "Macho Man" Randy Savage!

Yes, he made a rap album.

So I present to you…

Lil Wayne	Versus	Randy Savage
Number of songs selected: 17		Number of songs selected: 9
Total number of topics: 5		Total number of topics: 6
Percent of songs most-used topic mentioned: A tie for 76.5%		Percent of songs most-used topic mentioned: Three way tie for 33%
Mentioned own name: 55 times (every 1:17)		Mentioned own name: 47 times (every 0:33)

Winner: "Macho Man" Randy Savage!

- "Rhyming scorecard"

I had so much fun with scoring the epic "Macho Man" Randy Savage versus Lil Wayne bout, that I felt I should make a Rhyming Scorecard.

Here's how it works: since rap is based a lot around rhyme scheme, I decided to figure out how well Wayne's rhymes were. I broke it down into three sections: rhymes within a line, multi-syllabic rhyming, and same-word rhymes.

Rhymes within a line are simply that. If I have a line like, "Agony in her body" (to take a Sage Francis title) that would be one point, because it's a rhyme within the same line.

For multi-syllabic rhyming, I made it a little easier for Lil Wayne to get points. For someone like Rakim, I would have made it so that there would have need to have been two or more words with two or more syllables that rhyme. For example, "tyrannosaurus", "chorus", and "Taurus" all have two syllables that rhyme, the "r" sound and the "us" sound. For Lil Wayne, though, I made it so that if he rhymed any word with a word that happened to have more than one syllable, he'd get a point.

Same word rhyming is BAD! Every time this occurred, I took away a point. For Lil Wayne, I made it easier. If he did it at the end of a rhyme, I counted it. Other than that, no harm, no foul.

To make it even EASIER for him, I counted a multi-syllabic rhyme that happened in the middle of the line twice. So, two points for that shit.

Anyway, out of all seventeen songs, he had forty-one inner-line rhymes, eighty-nine words that rhymed with a multi-syllabic word, and ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SIX times where he rhymed the same word. This gave him a total score of...

... -46.

Negative forty-six on his rhyme style. In fact, he rhymed the same word more than "Macho Man" Randy Savage said his own name... every 24 seconds on average.

All in all, we may not get bored with him saying "turn me up in my headphones" over and over again, because he doesn't seem to say enough words.

Dave "Fisticuffs" Chappelle: The Only Rapper Who Can Say "turn my headphones up" and be entertaining.

Possibly the most disturbing thing is that Lil Wayne doesn't even rhyme different words with themselves, (like doing "unpredictable" with itself, than "abracadabra" with itself). He tends to have favorite words to rhyme over and over with itself. There were four words that he did that with over ten times, ("up", "boy", "them" and "back")!

Flow

Lil Wayne flows like a miscarriage: long, drawn-out, and messy.

For instance "Weezy Baby" has probably the messiest flow out of any Lil Wayne song, (and that's saying a lot). One particular instance is where he tries to flow fast, but comes out with a nonsensical phrase that putters across the finish line like a Ford Pinto at the Indie 500.

Hell, let's study Lil Wayne's "fast" flow. "Oh, Nancy the flow's plastic, automatic" are the lyrics... just F.Y.I., they're fucking meaningless. He's got a two second flow consisting of six words. Three words per second... oh boy.

This is where I'll break out the Sage Francis, I suppose.

On the song "Escape Artist" Sage pulls out an impressive flow for the chorus which goes, "In an effort to make 'em all see what I found in my life I decided to give 'em a look/None of them gave it a glimpse, so I guess that I'm sitting in the middle of an unread book/Letters are falling apart but the sentences stand on their own/The wording is permanent/Never been missed/I've just been mis-/worded and mis-/interpreted, it's funny how serving a sentence of solitary confinement/results in a death sentence of my writing assignment/I'm just wondering where my time went/It pulled a disappearing act/and every single assistant I ever had got sawed in half//".

Not only does he pull it all out in 12 seconds it's 110 words! Leaving him at a hefty 9 words per second. What's more is that he starts and stops on beat, unlike Wayne, the shit makes sense, unlike Wayne, and he has some impressive rhyming style in it, unlike Wayne.

Hell, I'll use a relatively slow Mos Def song too: "Sunshine".

I am a fighter and a lover/I'm the freaky baby daddy, I'm a bad motherfucker

Even Mos Def's average flow in this song comes to WPM count of 3.4. It's not even a fast song! So frankly, I'm not impressed with Lil Wayne's attempt at speed.

Lil Wayne is not faster than a speeding bullet... or a Ninja Turtle apparently.

Oh, take the beats out, pretend he's just humming... notice one thing... IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME FLOW! He's like a 2-speed bike. First gear = bad, second gear = simple.

Beats
Listen to the beat from "Shine" and tell me that's not a joke. What'd they take it from Yoshi's Island?

I think that the beats are the high point of any Lil Wayne album, and usually they're only good for a few measures or so, then they get boring... or Wayne's vocals simply ruin them.

Conclusion
Lil Wayne sucks. Still sucks. In fact, he sucks more than I initially thought. Here's a final look at Lil Wayne for you people... I think his facial expressions show his originality.



This mouth-breather motherfucker is a hip-hop production line defect. I have a perfect home for him.

There's even a pistol on the island, Wayne. Maybe you can learn what the barrel points!

And that concludes our lesson, boys and girls.

"It's okay, Wayne. He's just a hater. You're stuntin' like your daddy, aren't ya, son?"
"Yay! Stuntin' like my daddy! Stuntin like my daddy!"

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The Game Retiring?

This happened almost a month ago, but... I started this about a week ago. So, sue me.



The Game blew onto the scene in '02 with You Know What It Is, Vol. 1 and hasn't really stopped. Seventeen albums in, with ten mixtapes, four underground releases, and one remix album, he announced his retirement as of his next, still untitled album dropping in late '07 or early '08.





As much as I like The Game, I hope if he retires, he stays fucking retired, (unlike Jay-Z, Mater P, Eminem, and others). I hate these "I'm gone..."

"...wait, I'm back..."

"...fuck this shit, I'm gone..."

"...this one more album..." type of nonsense.

Pharoahe Monch - "Desire" Review

Sound:
The album starts with a heavy gospel feel, but unlike many rap albums, it changes as it runs its course.

All the beats are head-nodders, especially "Push" and "Body Baby". The latter actually kind of has a drum beat that could be suited for a dancy, indie type of song, but has a clear swing leaning. The song probably has the best showcase of Pharoahe's vocal versatility out of the entire album.


The single "Body Baby"

Not all the songs have carefree, feel-good beats though. "What It Is" has a simple, ominous beat with Pharoahe's trademark halted, jarring flow similar to something you'd hear from Royce Da 5'9".



Many of the beats are simply innovative; especially the beat to "Trilogy". As simple as it is, it sounds like cinematic, ambient, crunk music, (if you can possibly imagine such a thing).

In the UK, "Agent Orange" was released as a bonus track. This beat is quite unconventional with an idiosyncratic stylophone-sounding instrument reminiscent of "Icky Thump" by the White Stripes, (without the crazy time signature). On the other side of the Atlantic, (the U.S. for you non-geography buffs), there is "Book of Judges", first released with Mark Ecko's game Getting Up. A hugely enjoyable funky guitar riff backs up Monch's indescribably unique flow.


The single "Push"

Lyrics:

The lyrics on this album encompass everything from politics to bullshittin'. Monch will fly from subject to subject and stay fresh with every line, for example, in "When The Gun Draws" (which is my favorite track on the album) the song floats seamlessly from a story to social commentary to political analysis.


The single "When The Gun Draws"

"Hold On" has a completely different style of lyricism, almost sounding like Saul Williams at moments, (but the flow staying all Monch). Likewise, on many other points on the album, you can hear clear influences in lyrics and delivery style (which may be a strength or weakness), such as "Welcome To The Terrordome" which is an obvious homage to Public Enemy and Chuck D, and the song follows suit.

"Trilogy" seems like a not-shitty "Trapped in the Closet" by R. Kelly, maybe it's the fact the beat changes along with the evolving story, maybe it's that the story does evolve, maybe it's the fact that "Trapped in the Closet" was a lot like the movie "Closer" in the sense that it was all assholes treating other assholes like shit and "Trilogy" isn't. Either way, Pharoahe can pull off a 9+ minute rap song without a hitch, which is an extraordinary feat.

Final Score: 9/10

In other news, new DMX slated for late '07/early '08, titled The Resurrection of Hip-Hop. The title is a direct response to Nas' Hip-Hop is Dead and X says that he will work with "only the real artists".

Also, Lil' Wayne's album The Carter 3 was leaked. Personally, if you heard one song of Wayne's, you've heard 'em all, (unless Carter 3 somehow wasn't about his car, shoes, bitches, or money), but if you care, listen to his ignorant, clearly fucked up, banter here:

The one and only Andre 3000 is set to release a solo album based on his cartoon Class of 3000 airing on Cartoon Network. It is slated to be released July 3rd.

Paris Hilton has been officially knighted, (pardon the pun), "gangster" by floundering record label impresario Suge Knight who stated that Paris "did more time than some of these though ass rappers". In semi-related news, Paris Hilton told Larry King that she had never done drugs. I had to put that one in there 'cause I thought it was cute.

Hip-Hop Defending Hip-Hop

Lately, billboards have been popping up around Chicago stating "Stop Listening to This Trash!" while naming off big names like 50 Cent, Lil' Wayne, and Chicago native, Twista.







The billboards, as well as Reverend Michael Pfleger of the St. Sabina Church, who put them up, state that rap is degenerate music that promotes violence, drug use, and misogyny. Well, golly, we sure haven't heard that before! But, I know one of these artists will have something new to say that's never been heard before, (as they're artists and all)...



...but, in typical rap fashion, Twista spouted the same tired sentiment, commenting that "We're just rapping about what's going on in the streets of our cities of today". Now, I know we've heard this before... many times. And when hip-hop had storytellers like Slick Rick and 2pac, I would have agreed with Twista, but it's a far cry to call hip-hop the "CNN of the streets" nowadays (to steal a line from Chuck D).



Twista also added something new, making your humble narrator assume that, if someone should be reporting anything...anywhere, it ain't him. Quote: "After Columbine and Virginia Tech, why didn't rock music get accused as much?"



Now that you've had a chance to breathe that one in for a little while, let's take a look at it, shall we?



Really, how un-fucking-observant do you have to be to not have heard the words "Marilyn Manson", "Rammstein", or "rock music" after Columbine? As for V. Tech, well, it seems that our culture will stop paying attention to what you're listening to, playing, or watching when you turn twenty. Also, as a musician, why would you attack music? This is especially true if you're a controversial musician. Twista's street-reporting comes under further scrutiny as one considers that we're not talking about a specific crime here, (like the V. Tech Massacre or the Columbine High Shootings), we're talking about a genre of music that is thought to have caused a generation of violence.



So, reporter of the street? With that observational skill and logic, probably not.



Here's 50's attempt to defend hip-hop in the wake of the Don Imus controversy:






Within eleven seconds, 50 uses the "Bush in '04" strategy of "we're at war". Cunning use of redirection there, Curtis. Like his fellow "CNN of the street" correspondent, Twista, 50 turns on the FOX News logic and puts his foot in his mouth, (with no one there to call him on it, I might add), when he, again, redirects your attention to "the actual films that are released with similar content that has image and sound". Oh, you mean like "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" a film starring you, that is kind of about your life, and kind of about your music? Oh, before you retort there, 50, I'd like to add mention the names of three films you may have heard of: "Passion of the Christ", "A Clockwork Orange", and "Natural Born Killers". What do they have in common? Oh, yeah, they were protested for those uses of "image and sound".



Let's take another breather before we go on…



Okay, done. 50 then digs further into his own illogical muck when he pushes through this line "I personally believe… that it's easier to attack a individual [sic] than it is to go after a corporation". Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I've very rarely heard (other than rappers or fans of rap) anyone point out one rapper and go "he's promoting drug use, violence, misogyny, homophobia, racism, etc., etc…. but the rest of hip-hop is okay". Most people that are protesting rap use the blanket term of "rap" which is much bigger than a corporation. Many corporations are involved in rap… as I'm sure you're very aware, Curtis.



Before he's done not answering the question about hip-hop, he gets an uproarious applause from people who probably thought "This Is Why I'm Hot" was clever.



I'm not going to elaborate further on 50's joke of a defense, but just watch the video and think about the songs "Magic Stick" and "In Da Club" as he prattles on about "harsh realities".



The point? Maybe Twista, (who has been at number one a few times), 50 Cent (whose albums Get Rich or Die Tryin' and The Massacre have both hit number one), and the like are the reason that Nas said "Hip-Hop is dead". Maybe they're why people that like music with substance don't stick around long enough to hear the Saul Williams', the Sage Francis', the Immortal Techniques, or the Dead Prezs, because they don't even take the time to hear the "skin" of the music.



It's the MIMS', the Lil' Waynes, the Rich Boys, the Shop Boyz's, the Crime Mobs and so on that talk about how shitty the industry is, then brag about the #1 spot in the industry. To take a line from Immortal Technique and twist it a little, if you go platinum, it has nothing to do with how good of a rapper you are, it may just mean that a million people are stupid as fuck.